Life Can Be Messy 

Maybe you disagree with a business partner, and it’s getting out of hand. Maybe you are having trouble getting along with a critical employee. Maybe someone important is angry at you. Maybe you are avoiding a difficult conversation with your board of directors. There may be family fights that seem incessant and never-ending. Maybe you’ve lost an intimate connection with your partner or children.

The reality is that we're all human, and sometimes we fight. But when it happens over and over again with the same person, or even with different people, it can be draining.

When you're in the middle of a disagreement, it's hard to see past your point of view. It's easy to lose sight of what's really important: building trust and respect with the people around you. It’s too easy to fight to be right.

Sarah had been leading her company for many successful years. However, tensions had been rising between Sarah and the board of directors, who felt that Sarah was making decisions without their input and not listening to their concerns.

One day, the board called a meeting to discuss their grievances with Sarah. The room was tense, and both sides were defensive and unwilling to listen to each other. Sarah felt attacked and criticized, while the board felt ignored and disrespected.

In the midst of this conflict, Sarah remembered her training with me. She took a deep breath and decided to try using these techniques to resolve the conflict.

First, she listened carefully to each board member's concerns without interrupting or defending herself. She repeated back what she had sensed they were feeling using "you" statements to show that she understood their perspective. "You are frustrated that I haven't been involving the board in decision-making. You feel left out of the process."

As she continued to listen and reflect back emotions, Sarah noticed that the tension in the room began to ease. The board members started to feel heard and validated, and they began to open up more about their concerns.

Using affect labeling, Sarah was able to identify and acknowledge the emotions that the board members were experiencing. "You are feeling undervalued and disrespected, and you are frustrated," she said.

As the conversation continued, both sides began to see the issue from each other's perspectives. The board realized that Sarah had been trying to make the best decisions for the company, and Sarah recognized that the board's input was valuable and necessary for the company's success.

In the end, Sarah and the board were able to come to a solution that satisfied everyone. They agreed to hold more frequent meetings to discuss decisions and involve the board in the process, while allowing Sarah the freedom to make decisions when necessary.

Thanks to the power of empathic listening and affect labeling, Sarah resolved the conflict with the board and strengthened their working relationship. She learned that truly listening and understanding others' perspectives is the key to resolving conflicts and building solid relationships in both business and personal settings.

Sometimes, the mess is too much for you to handle. Not a problem. As a professional mediator and peacemaker for over 40 years, I can help. Sometimes, my help is needed in unexpected ways.

I was invited to hold a training session at a corporate headquarters a few months ago. The co-founder told me she would like me to teach the session. But before accepting, a few things happened that made me question her sincerity. First, I discovered that there was no budget approval from the CFO and no joining instructions from her team members (a minor mistake). However, I received another call from two board members who wanted me to come in and help the co-founders. They said that they were tired of seeing the co-founders bickering with each other and making mistakes in their work together.

I asked if we could work on the co-founders’ problem before conducting any training. I said that it would be a great test of my techniques. Everyone agreed, and we proceeded.

We spent a day in the process, and at the end, the co-founders recognized that their goals and values had diverged. They settled on a solution that honored their history and their future goals. The fight was over. When I returned to train their team, they were my biggest cheerleaders. These stories make me smile.

People resort to passive-aggressive behavior in arguments. The funny thing is, it's usually not even conscious. It's like an emotional sixth sense makes us feel it's time to act out when we argue with someone. We don't know what happened that made us feel this way, but somehow we need to release the tension inside us.

As disagreements escalate in arguments, the emotional centers of our brains activate to overwhelm the prefrontal cortex, which is the thinking part of our brain. When the prefrontal cortex is kicked offline, we are left with scripts and programming embedded during childhood. We cannot make decisions and can only react to what is happening based on what we learned as children. That usually turns out poorly.

Brain scanning studies show that a specific type of deep listening de-escalates conflicts that otherwise grow into arguments and serious problems such as lost business opportunities and strained relationships. The skill is called affect labeling and is the most profound form of listening because you are listening to emotions, not words.

Emotional listening allows you to get your point across better after you've listened your partner/friend/colleague/family member into existence. Once they feel validated, they are open to listening to you.