Are you facing anger at home? This article will show you how to get rid of anger in your home once and for all.
Let’s start with your feelings.
Are you feeling any of these?
You could be feeling angry or frustrated.
You could be annoyed. You could be irritated. You could be aggravated.
Maybe, you are mad.
Maybe, you feel disrespected or unsupported.
You don’t feel listened to. You feel sad. You are lonely or unloved.
You might even feel abandoned.
Here is the interesting thing. Your kids have the same feelings. They have anger at home. They are frustrated. They are irritated and annoyed. They are aggravated too. They are mad and they are infuriated. They feel disrespected and unsupported. They don’t feel listened to. They feel sad, lonely, unloved, and completely abandoned.
They have exactly the same feelings that you have.
For thousands of years, we have avoided emotions. We have learned that emotions, especially intense emotions, are bad. The sad truth is that these are lies based on an ignorant understanding of human nature.
As a result, we have never learned how to listen to emotions. We have never learned that we all share the same feelings all the time. So, when one of your children becomes angry, it’s the same thing that’s going on inside of you. We are all emotional, all of the time. Anger at home is all about emotions.
If you can get the insight that we are 98% emotional and 2% rational, you can get rid of the anger at home once and for all.
How To Get Rid Of The Anger at Home
Here is a great secret. Every human being, and especially children, have a secret need to be emotionally validated. We don’t validate emotions as a matter of course. In fact, we do just the opposite. We emotionally invalidate those around us, including kids.
Have you told a child something like, “Don’t be a drama queen,” or “Shut up,” or “It’s not a big deal,” or “Stop crying,” or “Don’t be a sissy,” or “Don’t be a girly girl.” This is emotional invalidation.
We use hundreds of invalidating statements on those that we love every single day. When we invalidate, we do not listen. We do just the opposite. We emotionally abuse.
Emotional invalidation is the most pervasive, insidious form of emotional abuse that exists. We do it to children all the time. We do it to ourselves all the time. The secret to stopping anger at home is to validate emotions.
I call this
Listening Others Into Existence.
It is the most powerful gift you can give to both yourself and your family. When you listen others into existence, you will stop the anger at home almost instantly.
The first step is to listen and validate your own emotion. Whenever you are feeling frustrated, mad, disrespected, not listened to, or sad, label them to yourself.
You may name your emotions silently, label them out loud out, or write down what you are feeling in the moment.
You will say something like “I’m really angry,” or “I’m really frustrated. I’m at wit’s end. I’m overwhelmed. I don’t know what to do. I’m anxious. I’m sad and frustrated, and I don’t feel supported. I don’t feel listened to, and I’m all alone. Nobody’s here to help me.”
Naming your feelings will calm you down almost immediately.
Next, you are going to do the same thing with your kids. You will label their feelings. You will say, for example, “Oh, you’re really sad. You’re really frustrated. You feel embarrassed or ashamed. You feel left out, you feel alone abandoned. You don’t feel supported. You don’t feel listened to you. You don’t feel respected.”
Just name your child’s emotions with a simple “you” statement. Do not use an “I” statement. “I” statements do not work, never have worked, and never will work in active listening. “I” statements only work to assert your feelings to another. Read more about the use of “I” statements here.
Do not ask questions like “Oh, are you angry?” as they only intensify the anger.
Listening others into existence requires you to cultivate self-awareness of your own emotions and the emotions your children are experiencing in the moment. You must manage your anxiety, because when you are exposed to an angry, upset child, you may be triggered. All kinds of anxiety may come up for you. If you are not self-aware, you will emotionally invalidate your child as a means of unconsciously soothing yourself.
Even when a child is misbehaving, you must manage your anxiety. You must self- regulate yourself, de-escalate your child, and only then impose consequences if you have to.
The secret to getting rid of anger at home is to listen your children into existence by validating their emotions in the moment. As you practice this simple idea, you will see amazing transformations in your children and in yourself.