How to Stop Relationship Fights Forever

Doug Noll

Author

- Hi, Doug Noll here, and in this video, I'm going to show you how to stop relationship fights forever. In fact, I'm gonna share one key practice that will show you how to stop any relationship fight you have had in the past, you will have in the future forever.So let's talk about what causes relationship fights. Usually, they're caused by unexpressed hidden relationship expectations. And then there is the problem of infantilized beliefs. In other words, as babies, we are completely taken care of by our parents, our mothers and fathers.And some people grow up thinking that they're gonna be taken care of by their partners, or their spouses, or their boyfriends or girlfriends in the same way that as a baby they were cared for by their parents.They simply have not emotionally matured enough to be able to take care of themselves. And so, these infantilized beliefs can lead to real problems in relationships. And they result in anger, and resentment, frustration, rejection, not feeling appreciated, feeling unheard, feeling disrespected, feeling sad, shamed, humiliated, abandoned, lonely, unloved, and unlovable.I mean, that's a lot. And all those emotions come up in almost every single relationship fight as a result of unmet expectations that have never been expressed, or because we just have these, or we just have these beliefs from childhood that somebody's gonna take care of us, and meet all our needs without us ever having to express them. Interpersonal Communication-5 Powerful Tools To Rocket Your Business CareerAnd as a result, we get all of these emotions that come up when people start to fight with each other. These emotions are below most couples' self awareness, and they trigger automatic pre-programed behaviors instilled during childhood.Most people grew up in emotionally dysfunctional families, and become emotionally dysfunctional as adults. Most adults maybe have physical bodies of adults, but emotionally, they have the maturity of six-year-olds, especially when things get tough, and heated in a relationship argument.And they make stopping relationship fights very, very difficult, as you have probably experienced yourself. The results are destructive words and acts that destroy trust, obliterate intimacy, and cause pain and hurt.And they promote the opposite of what is desired in every relationship, emotional safety and intimacy. The long term goal to stop relationship fights is to develop emotional competency as a couple. And I've created a basic course on this, the basic emotional competency course, https://dougnoll.co/emotional-competency, that will show you exactly how the stop fights and arguments in your relationship forever. And I strongly suggest that if you wanna take this course, that you take it with your partner together, to learn how to become emotionally competent.You'll learn how to stop relationship fights forever. But in the short term. I wanna show you how to listen each other into existence. So, in order to do that, you're gonna engage in three steps. Whenever it starts to get a little heated, or somebody's feeling a little prickly, or you sense that there's some upset, the first thing you want to do is ignore the words.They have no meaning right now, just ignore them. You'll want to then listen to your partner's emotions, and that list that I gave you at the beginning of this video? That's a good list to start with, because your partner is gonna experience most, if not all of those emotions.Listen for them. Just be quiet in your mind, and they will come into your consciousness. And then you reflect back your partner's emotions with a simple "you" statement. So, you would say something like, oh, you're really angry and frustrated, or you don't feel appreciated, or you feel ignored, or you don't feel valued, or, oh, you're sad.

You don't feel loved. You feel alone and lonely. You don't feel safe. No matter what you do, do not try to fix, problem solve, dismiss, or minimize your partner's feelings. Now, you might be thinking that by using these "you" statements, and telling your partner what he or she feels would be patronizing, or manipulative, or rude.But the fact of the matter is it's not, and when you start doing this, you'll see for yourself how powerful it is. This has been proven by brain science to completely deactivate the emotional centers of the brain, and reactivate a part of the brain called the ventral lateral prefrontal cortex.It's based on the work of Matthew Lieberman at UCLA. It is the most powerful skill I have ever developed for helping calm angry people down, and it works like a charm in stopping fights, and arguments in relationships forever.How to Honor Your Emotions With This 1 Powerful ToolWell, my name is Doug Noll, I'm a lawyer turned peacemaker. I'm an author, a speaker, trainer, and visionary. I'm the co-founder of Prison of Peace, where we train murderers how to become peacemakers, and mediators in maximum security prisons.And I'm dedicating to helping people like you live fulfilled, happy blissful, peaceful lives. I offer individualized training, and coaching to a select group of clients, and if you're interested, and would like to set up a call to explore possibilities, contact me at dougnoll.com. And as I said before, my basic emotional competency course is available, you should take this as a couple. If you're watching this video, you may be having relationship fights. This little course for $189 will completely change your life.Dougnoll.co/emotional-competency. And finally, if you like this video, give me a like, and subscribe to the channel. We'll see you next time.

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Doug’s Books

Doug has authored several books on affect labeling and emotional competency, including De-Escalate: How to Calm an Angry Person in 90 Seconds or Less, which won multiple awards and has been adopted by organizations worldwide.